Monogamy isn't natural, it was created

Relationships are beautiful, and they come in many forms. Today, we are taught that love should look a certain way: two people in a monogamous relationship with the goal of a life-long marriage.

Enjoying a monogamous marriage is a beautiful way to be in love - but I would be lying if I told you that this relationship style is the natural way human connection evolves.  

The truth is monogamy was created for a specific purpose, and that purpose might surprise you. (It also might piss you off.)

In the name of love, I share this scholarship about history, power, and relationships with you. This episode is not meant to tell you how to love but to open your heart to the diverse ways humans fall in love and the many styles of relationships we can have.

Discover the history of monogamy and why it was created. I hope this episode makes you more open-minded to different relationship styles and helps you be the best partner to the person (or people) you are in love with.

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Episode 3 - Sex History 101

Welcome to Pleasure Science, a podcast dedicated to helping you feel healthier and empowered in your sexuality. Today we're going to be talking about one of my all-time favorite topics to nerd out on, and that is the creation of monogamy.

So monogamy is something that we really think is so natural and so normal. And full disclosure, love is beautiful. I watch all the rom-coms. I'm not here to say that love isn't beautiful, but I am here to inform you that monogamy was 100% created, and is actually not the natural way that humans connect. So let's jump into that, shall we?

So, if you remember in episode three, I talked about the history of sexuality and how we shifted as a society from matriarchal cultures to patriarchal cultures. And it's really important if you haven't listened to that episode to go back and listen to that one before diving into this one, because the creation of monogamy is actually a huge part of the history of sexuality and the history of relationships, which is why I devoted a whole episode to it. 

So another quick note about this episode in particular; the creation of monogamy has a lot to do with birth. So I'm going to be using words like mother, woman, she/her to describe people of the ancient world who were giving birth and who were leaders in society. But of course, if you listened to episode three, you're also aware that people who were leaders in society or mothers were not always women. They were just anybody with a womb who had the capacity to give birth. So just a quick note that as I go through this episode and say words like mother or woman or she and her, I'm actually referring to any single person in the ancient world who gave birth to children. And not all of these people identified as women. Some of them were masculine people who could give birth. Some were gender nonconforming, but they were all mothers. All right, so let's dive in. 

So, matriarchal societies, right, the ancient way that we came together was predominantly through matriarchal societies. Now, in these societies, names and lineages were passed down from mother to child. Last names, we didn't really have inheritances at this time. That came along later, and we'll dive into that. But anything that could be passed down was always passed down from a mother to the child that that mother had. Did that make sense? I hope so. 

Now, what's also interesting about these matriarchal communities was that children were also raised by the community. When a woman gave birth, it was not expected for her to be the end all be all of that child. To raise it and to be there every day. In fact, it was more normal for people to give birth and the community to come together and raise these children as a collective, right? We were dealing with a partnership model way of having society.

Now, what was really interesting about matriarchal societies was sex was free. Sex was sacred. Monogamy was not a thing. So women would have sex with many different men or people, because we also had queerness as definitely something that was normal and natural in the ancient world. But people would have sex freely. Now, this meant that when children were born, we could automatically tell who the mother was. It was very obvious. We have a human who is, you know, getting bigger. We see the pregnant belly. It's very clear who the mother is. But who's the father? That would be less clear and even less important in matriarchal societies.

So, we have this matriarchy where lineages and last names are passed down from woman to child, and a lot of the times from woman to woman, or again, womb bearer, someone with a womb, to another person with a womb. And this was because we could clearly see what woman gave birth to what child. Now, as men rose to power, this system was very problematic. 

Now, when men started to rise into power and patriarchy started to really become a new way that communities would come together, we saw a rise in land ownership. We saw the creation of agriculture. In matriarchal societies, it was not really a thing for land to be owned by any one person. But as men and patriarchy rose to power, land ownership did become really prevalent. Agriculture and making a business out of what we eat and how we eat, that also became really big. And so what's really fascinating is as we saw this rise of patriarchy and a different way of societies coming together through the dominator model, where war was used to claim and establish hierarchies, power, and land ownership, the way of a matriarchal society was really problematic. Because if a man comes into power, how does that man make sure that his lineage is passed down to his children. How does this man make sure that his son is his son? If a woman is going and having sex with whomever she wants and we can't really tell who the father is, right? And how does this man keep his inheritance that he has worked so hard to cultivate safe and within his bloodline?

So as we shifted as a society into patriarchal models, we started seeing a very big shift in sexuality and the way we think of birth. There was a huge urgency amongst men, and specifically the men who were cultivating power, to make sure that what they had worked so hard to achieve remained theirs and remained in their family.

So, how do you prove that your lineage belongs to you if you cannot give birth? You control the body that does give birth. And so this created a very sinister trend that slowly became normalized over time. Because remember, if you listened to Episode 3 on the history of sexuality, there was no big event or one person in power who decided, I'm going to change everything. And then people were just like, OK, let's just have the whole world change.

These changes happened very subtly and happened over time. And in fact, sometimes I even wonder if the matriarchal societies got so powerful that men did start to rise up because they wanted to have rights. They wanted to have power. Maybe they wanted to be seen as parents. You know, there's so many things that we don't know about how these shifts took place over time. We do have a lot of information that is really helpful that helps us track what happened. But when it comes to the individuals living in these times, it's really fascinating to create theories about why men rose up the way they did, why these shifts were happening.

In our current historical moment right now, it's very clear to see that patriarchy is operating in a way that can be very oppressive and very toxic. But what if thousands and thousands of years ago, matriarchy was a system that was becoming toxic, and communities were rising up because they wanted a different way of doing things. Something to think about.

Now, going back to how the creation of monogamy came about through the rise of patriarchy, men needed a way to ensure that their lineages were clear and secure. And so in order to do this, they had to make sure that a woman or a mother could no longer just freely have sex with people that she wanted to and that that was normal and celebrated. They had to make sure that what was celebrated and what became normal was the idea that one woman is connected to one man, that the last name that gets passed down is not the woman, but the man, because if his last name gets passed down, then we can clearly see, ah, that child belongs to that man because Mr. Smith claimed Miss Abigail, changed her name to Smith, and now they're having the little Smith babies, if you will. 

So we started to see cultural norms shifting to where women were connected to one man, but also one man was connected to one woman. And this is something that I think we often don't call out when we're talking about sexism or patriarchy or these type of things. Patriarchy certainly can be oppressive to women and queer people, but patriarchy is also extremely oppressive and limiting to men.

A lot of people, you know when you have privilege, you don't see your privilege, right? And so I think a lot of times in our current historical moment, we blame men for a lot of things when we should really be blaming patriarchy or the dominant culture, not any single person or gender. However, we tend to blame men for something and then we don't often see how this system is oppressing everybody, not just one person, right? 

So in this new system where we now are going to have lineages be passed down from man, originally obviously it was man to man, father to son, as we've gotten better in our society, we've opened inheritances up to women and queer people and all genders and we're still working on the all gender part, right? We're in the middle of a big gender revolution, but still, you know, we're trying.

So in the ancient times, what started to happen was we made sure that the role of the woman was clear and controlled and defined. We made sure that the role of men was clear and controlled and defined. We made sure that queer people were not something that was considered normal because that disrupted the whole status quo. We made sure that sex was something that was private and specific and only supposed to happen in this monogamous coupling because then we could ensure that that child belonged to that man And that man's inheritance was safe. That man's power was safe. 

And so what's really fascinating is that this entire system was actually designed to make sure that people were policing themselves, right? We don't have someone going around saying, hey, you, you're not in a monogamous relationship and you're going to be fined $10,000. That's not how it goes. Instead, we create these cultural norms, so that way we as people will police our own actions and police each other.

So as societies shifted and as monogamy became the norm, here's something that's really fascinating that scholars have found. If you can control birth, you can control the population, because you can predict the population in a monogamous relationship model. And if you can control and predict the population, you can control the economy.

So, land ownership, and inheritance, and the patriarchal dominator model of society where we have someone at the top in a hierarchy that trickles down, over long periods of time, it became so important for this system to remain safe and secure because you were able to control the economy. Another really fascinating thing to think about. Who knew that monogamy and love and sex could lead to such global ways that we are controlling ourselves and controlling communities.

So, controlled births were a requirement which led to the creation and concept of monogamy. Monogamy really serves our current historical patriarchal model because it shows everyone who the father is. And when we look back on monogamy and the first instances of monogamy, we can see monogamy being traced all the way back to ancient Egypt. And of course, it looked a little different where you would have the pharaoh and he would have his harem of women and wives. So, the Pharaoh wasn't necessarily monogamous, but any woman that was connected to him had to be, right? Because we have to make sure that if that woman gives birth, it belongs to the Pharaoh, right? No one else.

But what's so interesting is when we look at the creation of monogamy, we can roughly see that it's about 7,000 years old. Now, remember, if you listened to episode three, human societies and the worshiping of sex is about 50,000 years old that we can trace back. It's probably older, but we can trace it back 50,000 years.

So, monogamy and patriarchy and our current systems of society and forming relationships are so young when it comes to the whole of human history, the history of sex, and the history of relationships.

And so now, today, we still see this explicit control of women's reproductive capacity and a big sense of urgency about that. And it's just so fascinating because all of this stems from the rise of patriarchy and war and land ownership and this whole, this is mine mentality.

And so a common question that I get asked when I start breaking down all of this stuff and people are like, whoa, I I did not think about any of this stuff. I just watched a romantic comedy and want to fall in love, which, you know, don't we all?

But a common question that I get asked is, okay, if this is the way things are, and they've been like this for over 7,000 years, and we can agree that this system, while it can be really loving and marriage, I mean, my parents were married their entire lives and had the most beautiful marriage. I'm not saying that monogamy is a bad thing. I think it can be so beautiful. It can be so loving.

But when I tell people this and about the history and creation of monogamy, I always get asked, okay, well, why did it take so long for women and queer people and other marginalized communities to become empowered and to start rising up against this system? And it's because this shift from matriarchy to patriarchy, and this shift from being openly sexual and having that be celebrated to being monogamous and having that be celebrated, these shifts were very subtle. They did not happen overnight. And they took a lot of time. And so by the time we started to realize that we were in this patriarchy and that new norms were already firmly established and entrenched in society, well, things have been going on for 7,000 years. 

Also, a reason why we didn't band together sooner and start to empower ourselves is because a lot of people were illiterate. A lot of people did not have access to knowledge and information. And whatever you feel about social media, you love it, you hate it, you're neutral. One of the real benefits of our current historical moment is the fact that we have this capacity to learn and connect across cultures, across borders. We have all of this at our fingertips.

None of that was really true when all of these shifts were happening. And so we saw these small and subtle shifts, but we didn't have a way to connect and spread knowledge the way that we do today. On top of that, when we think of how humans need to survive in societies, we would see a small shift happen and then parents teaching their children how to oppress themselves, because that would ensure that you will survive in the society. 

So if you imagine with me for a second, a matriarchal society, there's a woman mother figure who is giving birth, but she's noticing that her society is changing. Things are shifting. It's dangerous, maybe, for her to have sex with multiple people and have multiple children from different lineages. So she connects to one man. She decides, okay, I'm going to take his last name. My child will take his last name. And in order to keep my child that I love safe, I'm going to teach my child to do the same thing. Listen to your man, marry one person, so on and so forth. And it's not because humans are bad, it's because parents love their children and want their children to survive. And so we will literally teach the people we love how to survive in the dominant culture, which usually means assimilating and kind of swallowing the oppression that you're experiencing.

So, what can we do to reverse this, right? What can we do to return a balance of both patriarchy and matriarchy? Because I think a healthy society has a little bit of both. How can we empower ourselves? How can we create a better society? And first off, I think a way to create healthier relationships and a healthier society is to recognize that monogamy is not natural or better than any other relationship style. Monogamy is so beautiful, but it's just the dominant way of connecting in our current historical moment, and it serves a very specific purpose. 

So if you're someone who has ever felt like, I don't know if monogamy is for me, or if you're someone who is in a beautiful and loving monogamous relationship, but you're also noticing that there's this real cutie at the grocery store who also kind of has their eye on you and like maybe you'd like to make out with them but you love your spouse. It's okay and normal to have these thoughts and have these feelings. Opening up a relationship actually can be one of the best things you do for a relationship and I have seen that time and time again, because it creates novelty and newness. And actually, oftentimes when you open up a relationship and start dating outside of your primary partner, you often miss your love all the more because you become so grateful for what you have built with that person. 

And of course, when it comes to opening up your relationship and having this beautiful and expansive experience, open relationships are consensual between all parties. It's something you've talked about. It is not cheating. And I'm not really like this isn't meant to endorse cheating. You know, that is something that can be very painful and a big violation of a relationship. And oftentimes us, it's like it's normal and it's completely human to have desires outside of a monogamous relationship. But that's something that really does need to be discussed and honored. And everyone does need to be in consensual agreement about opening up a relationship, right? Because that's how you get a positive experience from non-monogamy.

But when it comes to, you know, reversing and honoring the fact that monogamy isn't the natural way of things, there's many different relationship styles. It's not just about recognizing the history of monogamy and the creation of it. It's also about supporting your friends who are non-monogamous. It's about calling out fake myths, like the idea that ethical non-monogamy will ruin your relationship. It actually may not. It can make your relationship stronger, again, as long as everyone's communicating and everything is consensual. 

And there's also this false myth that if you open up your relationship, your spouse will leave you. That's not true either. Frankly, if breakups are going to happen, they will happen regardless of what you try to do. That's just how it goes. If a relationship is meant to end, it will. And it doesn't matter what you do to try to stop it. That's going to be how that's going to go. It has nothing to do with polyamory or ethical non-monogamy. 

The last myth that I also want to call out is the idea that ethically non-monogamous relationships don't last. I actually know a lot of people who are polyamorous and in open relationships and have been together longer than my monogamous friends. So that is a complete myth. 

And just to close out this episode, you know, thinking about, cause this is a big topic. Monogamy is a huge staple in our culture. Marriage is a huge marker of quote unquote success in a relationship. You know, these are really big topics. And so to close this out, I just want to say that this episode is just really meant to make you think. It's not meant to change you or to make you feel like you need to change. I just really want you to think about all of the systems and structures that we're in. I want you to consider if your relationship style is truly making you happy and if it has, for a long time. And I want you to consider that you can be so much more open than you maybe are if you want to be, right? If you want to stay monogamous, that's beautiful too. There's no right or wrong way to love. 

And in fact, my first relationship was a polyamorous relationship, which was a complete surprise to me, because I grew up loving love, fantasizing about love. And then I ended up falling in love with a person who was in a polyamorous relationship, explained what that was to me and was like, do you want to be my girlfriend? And I was in love. And so I was like, yes, of course. And the relationship was incredible. I learned so much about communication. And the reason we broke up had nothing to do with polyamory. It was because my partner was from New Zealand and had to move back to New Zealand because of visa issues. We got into a long-term, long-distance relationship, and I was in California. They were in New Zealand, and y'all, that's far, okay? And so we ended up breaking up, which was really heartbreaking, but it was because of long distance. It actually had nothing to do with polyamory.

And I was so grateful for my experience because I experienced firsthand how all of these myths about relationships just aren't true and that you can have the most beautiful experience. And in fact, when I was in that polyamorous relationship, I became extremely good friends with my lover's boyfriend, someone who I still have so much respect and love for today. We were all great friends. It was so wonderful.

And what was really fascinating about my experience is after my first relationship, which again was a poly one, I entered into a monogamous relationship where I also completely fell in love. And that was fascinating, because something that I think we hear all the time is, oh, well, you're either monogamous or you’re polyamorous. And I'm here to say, that shit ain't true either. There's actually something called ambiamorous. This means that a person is happy and content whether they're in a polyamorous relationship or a monogamous relationship. It depends more on the person and situation than it does on the relationship style. So just something else for you to think about, right? 

Anyway, thank you so much for listening to this very deep, very fascinating topic about the creation of monogamy. I hope it made you think, and that's it for this week's episode of Pleasure Science.

Now, speaking of non-monogamy, because there's so much we can talk about, I really hope you join us for next week's episode because I'm going to have a conversation with sex therapist, Nicoletta Heidegger, and we're going to talk so much more about monogamy, non-monogamy, and how to navigate these relationships successfully.

Nicoletta Heidegger is such an incredible wealth of knowledge on this topic. I'm so excited for you to listen to this episode, because wherever you are in your relationship journey and whatever your relationship style is, you're going to learn some incredible things from this sex therapist. 

And in the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Pleasure Science. And please remember to subscribe to this podcast, leave a review, leave a rating. It helps us so much. And it also shows the world how important this information is and that people like you and me want more of it, right?

And you can also watch these episodes on the Pleasure Science YouTube channel. I always plug the outfit that I'm wearing, and today is no exception. I'm wearing this beautiful multicolored gown that I bought in Paris, and it's cute, okay? Also, just like I put on lipstick today, and I think that you should see it, so go to the YouTube channel. 

And finally, do not forget to check out the Pleasure Science courses. You get 10% off by being a listener and using the code pleasuresciencepod, and you can go to pleasurescience.com to purchase your first course. These courses are incredible, and they teach you my signature framework that helps you trust, love, and learn about sex using your natural strengths. Because the truth is, you are naturally good at fucking, and you are naturally good at falling in love. But we're not often taught what our natural strengths are. And so we don't know how to structure our love life around them. 

Thank you so much for joining this week. And before we go, just your quick friendly reminder to add a little bit of pleasure to your day. Go out and buy your favorite dessert. Go receive a hug from someone you love. Hugs boost oxytocin in your brain and actually make you scientifically happier.

And of course, go ask for a kiss from someone cute. I love kissing and I just think we should all kiss more. And if you're on the ace spectrum, maybe ask for a kiss on the cheek. 

Hope you have a wonderful day and I will see you next week.

This podcast is a Pleasure Science production hosted by me, Nadège, your resident sex scholar. The Pleasure Science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman-Cullot. Our music is by Octosound and is licensed under the Pixabay content license. 

To find out more about Pleasure Science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience.com.